Edwards Survives!

Fears of "Dark Spells" Prove Largely Unfounded

Last night Democratic fears were laid to rest when Vice President Cheney did not appear to use any sort of dark magic to place an evil spell on Senator John Edwards, the Democratic Nominee. The Senator's friends and family were pleased, especially since many believed that the insanity of Senator Joseph Lieberman, who faced the Vice President in 2000, was due to just such a spell.
“I was so relieved I thought I was going to cry,” said the Senator’s wife Elizabeth. “When we saw the photos clearly showing the Vice President’s horns and tail, well, we were apprehensive to say the least. But I believe in my heart that my John will come through it all right.”

Kerry campaign advisor Joe Lockhart said, “I thought for a minute there that the Vice President was going to lean over and try to eat the Senator. But it was just a handshake. However, the results from the Senator’s medical exam are not yet final, though based on our review of the videotape, we’re cautiously optimistic this morning.”

Democratic strategists have believed for several years that the inexplicable level of support for the failed Bush administration could only be due to the supernatural powers of Dick Cheney. The first inklings of his special abilities came in 2001 when a poorly-lit video tape of what appeared to be a nighttime satanic ritual in a forest was sent anonymously to Al Gore. On the tape, several men, who have been tentatively identified as prominent neo-conservatives “Scooter” Libby, the Vice President’s chief of staff, Deputy Secretary of State Paul Wolfowitz and Assistant Secretary for Middle Eastern Affairs Douglas Feith, can be clearly heard chanting, “O Dark Lord, We humble ourselves before your greatness. Death to Terrorists and/or Liberals Forever!” Neither the Vice President’s office nor the White House has commented on the tape to date.

Following review of the tape, many Democrats and para-normal researchers came to believe that the Vice President was using his powers to control the electorate. They cite the fact that, despite conclusive evidence coming to light of the administration’s many policy failures, deception and corruption, over 40% of Americans rate the President as a “strong and resolute leader, with no mixed messages.” The fact that so many poll respondents use almost the same exact language to describe their feelings – “strong,” “resolute,” "beloved leader," “no mixed messages” – has lent some support to the Democrat’s theory that the administration is in fact using magic to interfere with the normal political process.

The debates resume Friday night in St. Louis Missouri, where Senator Kerry and President Bush are slated to take part in an old-fashioned “quilting bee,” with members of the Quilting Society at Quilts on Main in historic St. Charles , Missouri. Senator Kerry is said to be undergoing a secret “preventative” ritual at a Catholic compound in nearby Louisiana this week.